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I eyed Smiths skeptically. He looked repentant, though. 'All right, sure,' I said. 'So why did you and Sharon break up?'

'Because I didn't like the brand of perfume she was wearing, and she wanted to continue wearing said perfume.'

'If you're going to play the jester, maybe you should just go home,' said I.

'All right, all right.' Smiths ran a hand through his scruffy hair. 'If you must know the truth, it was not exactly a mutual decision.'

'That's surprising.'

'Yes, it is.'

'--breakups generally being mutually negotiated decisions and all. . .'

'Will you be quiet?' Smiths said. 'Look, Alfie--Sharon broke up with me so that she could date you. The only reason she ever started dating me was to make you jealous; she never liked me at all! Is that what you wanted to hear, Alfie? Is that what you wanted to hear?'

I looked at my friend, regarding his exhausted and utterly desperate visage, and put a hand on his shoulder. 'I'm sorry for being so irresistible to women, Smiths. I feel great remorse for it. I would surely inhibit my inherent desirability if it were within my power to do so. (But it is not.)'

Smiths looked at me as if I were a peacock.

'So is there anything else I should know?' I said.

'Yes,' he said, letting out his breath. 'She sent me here to tell you all this. She's on her way over here right now.'